I am Karen

Geez.

Wed, 09 Jan 2013 01:08:32 +1000

Im here wondering, what am i doing with my life. Im so sore with the thinking and the over thinking, Im just so far gone.

Jamie's Letter

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 12:10:36 +1000

So like yeah, as you all may not remember, my birthday was in August…Like a month and a half ago. I was being a little ‘mature’ and maybe depressed, cause I missed home, so I didn’t celebrate. No liquor bottles flying or sluts in heels or half opened eyes. Just me, my laptop and some shows. And a good dinner from my brother Jairal. But I don’t remember anything anymore, cause it was quite a while ago.

Well todaaay… I had my breakfast, cleaned my room(to my standards of clean), did all my stuff, watched some Eddie Griffin stand ups… Decided to throw the shit in my room to the big bin outside. Ah since I’m outside… Got a shit load of mail(junk mail). Looking through them and stuff… WEUUU! Finally god Jamie’s Letter!

Waiting for dropbox to update….
WAIT FOR IT MOTHERFUCKERS.

Well so yeah! Omfg she really knows how to piss me off.
She SOLID WRAPPED IT. Air tight, Water proof, Sound proof, Pressure resistance, everything! Cause she wrapped it in idk 5 sheets? CELLOTAPE AGAIN, you know how hard isit to rip something when it’s smooth and tight?

Well the gift within in is priceless and I’ll carry it around all day, everyday.
Cause it’s going to hold my gocard and my student ID. so when I go for exams, it’s going to be there with me.

Look at that badass motherfucker! It’s freaking GOLD! :D
Thank you Jamie, so it turns out that i did celebrate my birthday. Like form 5, I had a huge party, like 100+ people (what the fuck was I thinking right), and it was in late september as well. This year, I celebrated with no one, but I feel the same as that night. Happy and loved :3 I love you so maaaaaaaach jimili!

Its gonna be a good day.

Back when there were 3 brothers for my sister.

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:56:39 +1000

Back when there were 3 brothers for my sister.

Back when I was cool.

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:49:23 +1000

Back when I was cool.

Photo

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:38:46 +1000

Hahahahah, have just gotten a craving for snickers, ginger, orange juice and bacon. Well let’s be...

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:26:50 +1000

Hahahahah, have just gotten a craving for snickers, ginger, orange juice and bacon. Well let’s be honest, I’ve always had a craving for bacon, but I mean, it’s higher in demand.

Let’s talk about social management, shall we?

I’ve been made clear that I’m to conceal feelings, attitudes or point of views if it will turn to a negative reaction.

Define negative reaction.

I surely cant. Think about it, that ‘negative reaction’ may as well be a ‘positive reaction’. It may be for the best. But then again, is it? Talk about social ethics and ‘doing the right thing’. I am doing the right thing. I’m concealing feelings, attitudes and point of views so I won’t hurt anyone’s feelings. Jesus, it’s really hard.

I don’t know I feel so goddamn shit this week. Uni is clearing up but my life still is in a jumble. Still thinking whether I should come back or not in December. I mean, I miss my friends. But the next time I’m back, they’re probably not. & I don’t want to miss out on an awesome drinking session with them or just a decent hangout discussion. Should I come back at the end of the year? I miss my family. & Rex. But Uni…

Photo

Thu, 13 Sep 2012 21:04:23 +1000

Melbourne, welcomes us.

Thu, 05 Jul 2012 23:57:15 +1000

I know Melbourne as the the KL of Malaysia, and as Steffi describes it as, the New York of USA. But you know…I dont think that big :p im really enjoying myself here. I had a lot of fun today for my first day Im so tired from absorbing my surroundings, just adapting here. Im trying to open my eyes to a new city, my sister Shairah is really excited for me. Shes happy that Im making a leap out to adventure. Hahah, and I think this will be good for me.

Im gonna go back to Brisbane, and workout hard, lose as much as I can before my semester starts again, and back to reality. Back to engineering. Yeap, I’m sticking with engineering. Nursing, maybe later on in life. When Im done with engineering, I can help people directly and put smiles of their faces. I cant wait for that. But mums been asking if Im coming back in December. And Im thinking, most probably not. Might only come back in July ‘13. I feel embarassed to see my family. Like I didnt do well for my last semester. I need to do my best and with results before I can come home.

Well. I dont really have much to say. I actually like blogging about my thought about subjects, be it politics, nature, common opinions, food, etc. But not what I did today and shit. I think I will do that from now on. Will talk about Melbourne when Im back home. :-)

With love,
NOBODY

I miss them. Hahaha Mihalis is missing though.

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 14:27:27 +1000

I miss them. Hahaha Mihalis is missing though.

Sliced my finger at work

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 14:26:58 +1000

Sliced my finger at work

Emo Nemo

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 23:32:07 +1000

Your intention is difficult to read,Im cleaning up your act and I dont know to let you in or let you drift away. Who said every relationship we have has to beneficial, like we gain some sort of prize from each warm heart feeling and butterfly stomach lie, like we gain some sort of talent from each heartache and hollowness from departion.
Im believing in a miracle that you are not what I think you are. She was a broken soul and you didnt stay to help her, you probably did, but you left anyway. Im a dreamer and a shattered cloud, why cant you see that? Its like I think I prefer from the heartache of you leaving me than you being with me. Why is it so difficult for you to realise that I’m not what you think I am. I am sentimental and I am soft. I like to do silly things when Im happy, and I am warm when I am not. But for some reason, Im not warm with you at all. You have a wall and Im tiptoeing around it to get to you but you just keep putting up walls.

Do you even want me?

Your intention may be shallow, and thats what I fear. Im just tired. I am tired. I dont know what to do anymore. My life is a mess and youre making it messier. But I keep you close. Well, I try. I dont know why, but I do. Cause from all the warm hearted feelings and butterfly stomach lies, I know I wont gain anything, but I do it anyway.

With pain, still no gain.

Its so hard

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 02:23:23 +1000

Struggling for my first semester of my first year of engineering… Ive learnt that I cant depend on others to tell me things even if we are very close. Cant say that I didnt get what I deserved but I am motivated, full of drive to do better for the next semester. Maybe the tv show Suits might have played a roll in my sudden change in passion but, nevertheless, I am at optimal drive. I feel like I can do anything. I can lie to anyone with any lie.”yeah, Im korean. Ang bo pokila na. But my korean is scrapy.” I can dive into a conversation between strangers. “are you guys talking about the game last night? Fucking hell. What a show huh.” didnt watch the game. I feel unstoppable. I have thos eagerness to show everyone what I am capable of. My deceit and lying, my strength and endurance, my kindness and softness, my bitchyness and self loathing, everything. All that I am capable of. Even the bad ones as you may have noticed. But I wont though. The old confident me is coming back. I can feel her strutting her way into my mind and my body language. Arent you guys just so happy for me?

With alignment to my title, its so hard, but it should never be too hard. What I feel, with myself, is that I can do anything I want. Let it be bungee jumping, diving, learning, memorizing, fighting, etc. I know I can. You may not believe me but I know I can. If i put myself to it, to win a bet, i know i can. Yeah sure if its boring as fuck or scary as shit, it would be hard, but possible. Thats what im trying to say. Its never impossible. Never too hard. Never ‘cant be done’. Unless youre thinking of u realistic stuff like jumping to the moon from sea level….but maybe a possibility in the future. If we live throufh this year :p yeah remember? We’re suppose to die this year. But we cant.

Wanna know why? Cause we’re suppose have a zombie apocolypse first. And then vampires and werewolves start coming out of the dark. Which poses this question. Would you fear a gay person or a sparkling vampire…? Nah I just read some very hurtful articles about homosexuals. I may not be one, but I feel offended. It aches my heart to read comments about homosexuality with such disgust. Sigh. God didnt give us the right to judge. Nor did he give us the right to decide whos going to hell. Just accept what they are, we have no right to discriminate them anyway.

I’ll talk about that another time.
So yeah. Nothings ever too hard. Take my word for it.

"Age is a very high price for maturity. "

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 01:07:46 +1000

““Age is a very high price for maturity. “”

- Tom Stoppard

Maturity: A Gift or a Curse?

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 01:04:00 +1000

I’ve been thinking lately. About my life changing decision on being an engineer, for money’s sake or on being a nurse, for self satisfaction. I know it’s probably an easy choice when you base it on moral and text book knowledge. By text book knowledge I mean by books that attempt to teach lessons in life that claim to be correct.

But think about it. If I earn a lot of money, I would be satisfied. I would buy anything I want. I would be able to provide for my kids and maybe even my husband if I managed to wreck my life even more. I would be able to do so much more. But knowing my capabilities at the moment, I cant speak properly to other races(racist much?), I’m not as confident as I used to, I’m not as bubbly as I would like to be, etc. I dont think I am able to achieve a position in nursing where I would earn as much as an engineer.

But think about it. If I live a life full of satisfaction, there would be no need to wait for buying and providing. I can compromise. I can live in a small house/apartment, I can buy less things to fulfil my contentment. I dont need to drive my dream car, I dont need a lot of things. I want a lot of things, but I know what I need and what I dont need. I can be happy to go to work knowing that I will help someone, and make their lives in a depressing environment a comfortable one.

I don’t know. People tell me all the time that I’m more mature that what my age usually is. I know that. Only because I was practically forced to grow up to fit in my family. Being the youngest, and so far apart in age with the rest of them, I had to. And I’m thankful. Because I love them too much to have been the isolated one that couldn’t relate to them. I am truly thankful that I grew up faster.

However, did I really? Did I really grow up? There’s certain things in life that cannot be learnt through books and watching. From not being in the situation, there’s no data on emotion or reaction. You wouldn’t know what you were feeling or what you would do. So, I’ve read in comics, articles,… I’ve listened to advice, talks,… I’ve seen people make their choices. In the same position as I am now. The words said and read are basically the same but the choice made is never the same.

Words taught us to decide for what is right for our life, not based on anyone else. But that is never true. It never is. There’s always someone in our life that have an influence in our life. Might be a boyfriend, a future wanted child, our parents even, our dignity, our expected choice from society. Why is it that, since I’m so mature, I can’t even make this choice? Or even to buy a box of orange juice or a bottle of water?

So with alignment to my title, is it necessarily a good thing to have grown up so fast? I get annoyed easier that most people, I seem less than intelligent just because I am able to accept different point of views, I drink my whiskey on rocks and not with coke(makes me look like a real dick or like my taste buds are dead)…

There’s so many things I may have missed because I was so old mentally.

Stupid jokes and maybe even outings. Just because I don’t know why anyone would want to go to a theme park for three days.

Revolutionary.

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 13:13:13 +1000

Revolutionary.

Day 10: A picture of the person you do the most fucking up things with.

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 23:57:56 +1000

jemehlee:

It is none other thannnnnn… Tim! Your boyfriend is always your best friend. :D

Most of our ‘activities’ are randomly ‘planned’ so I won’t remember what we did, haha. And they are mainly about food. We see an offer, we go. We see something new, we go. We see weird stuff, we go!

:D <3

Cant believe she used the F word…

I didn’t gain THAT much weight… Did I?

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 23:56:24 +1000

I didn’t gain THAT much weight… Did I?

There's a lesson to all of this

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 23:45:03 +1000

Despite me being all, “life’s shit”, “I dont want to live”, “I’m a failure in life” nonsense, i actually believe there is a lesson to be learnt here. I actually shouldn’t…Nay, I mustn’t despair. I make mistakes, I’m sure I’m allowed that aren’t I? All I need now is to buck up the next semester. Which I will.

My exam today was shit. Chemistry. I thought I would be alright but turns out I wasn’t all that prepared. And it is my fault. I overestimated my knowledge and took this top 50 uni in the world for granted for its talents. Tomorrow is math. I think I will be alright. No, I think i’m going to fail. But I will do my very best. And if i do, I will not slack an ounce for the next semester.

I swear that I will stop at nothing to get through this course now.
Im full of motivation as of now. But thats what everyone feels when they fuck up and exam. I will do it!

But i am still very clueless as of what i will do with my degree. Sigh. I will figure that out next time. But right now, my goal is to get past this course and graduate. After that i can do whatever i want. I just wished that, i wasnt my fathers daughter, or my mothers daughter. They expect greatness from all of their children and all i want to do is sit around and play music. Eat chips and watch random shows on discovery channel. Lose weight and be at my prime health. Very unimportant goals but thats all i want to do.

I think being a nurse would be very fetching for me. I love helping people and i can get paid for it. Idk. Maybe later on in life. Thats for fate to decide. Dad wouldnt be happy about it though. Hahahaha, well. Welcome to my doomsday. Calculus&linear algebra, my ass is yours.

"My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t..."

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 01:44:49 +1000

“My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right?”

- Charles M. Schulz

Happiness is just a temporary high

Wed, 13 Jun 2012 01:37:32 +1000

In my last post, I was talking about temporary highs. I got it from a song by Staccie Orrico, ‘More to Life’. I’m listening to it now even. Hahaha.

She says something about feeling empty and she’s missing something. I know she probably didn’t even write the damn song but hell, it says something doesn’t it? Better than ‘cannot be tamed’ or some bullshit. Bitch please, Miley Cyrus is getting married and she can’t be tamed? Fuck that.

But I believe that I am waiting for something to happen. What else can happen? I feel like my life is so pointless, I’m basically wasting space and oxygen. I’m killing everyone around me by just breathing. Such a sadist way of thinking but well, I feel so low. I am being deprived of something I should have. A drive.

Chemical & Biological Engineer. Wtf is that anyway? Am I suppose to be that? What am I suppose to do? Test out the chemical bonds of monkey piss? What? Tell me.

Sigh. I find myself releasing a breath when I walk, like a little sad doll not being played with anymore. I feel so unimportant and unneeded. I don’t need a boyfriend to keep me happy, fuck that. I walk with my head down nowadays, I think I’m starting to hunch even.

Damn it, Karen. Pull yourself the fuck together!

Lay off my back. I’m trying. I’m not depressed anymore, I don’t cry on random anymore. This is personal, this is my mind, this is what’s happening to me. Or what’s NOT happening to me to be exact. It doesn’t involve anyone else, it’s just me, not being able to want anything. I seem to want to go clubbing and drink more. I think I’ve mentioned this. I think that’s a bad sign. My sleeping pattern is fucked. I slept at 6am last night. And tonight, I don’t know. I have an exam tomorrow.

I smoke less, which is good. But I seem to want it more even. I feel so weak. I cant even control myself sometimes. I just, hate it. This lack of self control. Lack of desire. Sigh.

But I suppose this is, what the modern day young people feel. The lack of direction and passion. Maybe for games, something that isn’t real. The lucky ones get a job out of it, out of something they enjoy. But what if, the thing you enjoy, doesn’t keep you alive? What would it cost to live anyway?