Your intention is difficult to read,Im cleaning up your act and I dont know to let you in or let you drift away. Who said every relationship we have has to beneficial, like we gain some sort of prize from each warm heart feeling and butterfly stomach lie, like we gain some sort of talent from each heartache and hollowness from departion.
Im believing in a miracle that you are not what I think you are. She was a broken soul and you didnt stay to help her, you probably did, but you left anyway. Im a dreamer and a shattered cloud, why cant you see that? Its like I think I prefer from the heartache of you leaving me than you being with me. Why is it so difficult for you to realise that I’m not what you think I am. I am sentimental and I am soft. I like to do silly things when Im happy, and I am warm when I am not. But for some reason, Im not warm with you at all. You have a wall and Im tiptoeing around it to get to you but you just keep putting up walls.
Do you even want me?
Your intention may be shallow, and thats what I fear. Im just tired. I am tired. I dont know what to do anymore. My life is a mess and youre making it messier. But I keep you close. Well, I try. I dont know why, but I do. Cause from all the warm hearted feelings and butterfly stomach lies, I know I wont gain anything, but I do it anyway.
With pain, still no gain.
Struggling for my first semester of my first year of engineering… Ive learnt that I cant depend on others to tell me things even if we are very close. Cant say that I didnt get what I deserved but I am motivated, full of drive to do better for the next semester. Maybe the tv show Suits might have played a roll in my sudden change in passion but, nevertheless, I am at optimal drive. I feel like I can do anything. I can lie to anyone with any lie.”yeah, Im korean. Ang bo pokila na. But my korean is scrapy.” I can dive into a conversation between strangers. “are you guys talking about the game last night? Fucking hell. What a show huh.” didnt watch the game. I feel unstoppable. I have thos eagerness to show everyone what I am capable of. My deceit and lying, my strength and endurance, my kindness and softness, my bitchyness and self loathing, everything. All that I am capable of. Even the bad ones as you may have noticed. But I wont though. The old confident me is coming back. I can feel her strutting her way into my mind and my body language. Arent you guys just so happy for me?
With alignment to my title, its so hard, but it should never be too hard. What I feel, with myself, is that I can do anything I want. Let it be bungee jumping, diving, learning, memorizing, fighting, etc. I know I can. You may not believe me but I know I can. If i put myself to it, to win a bet, i know i can. Yeah sure if its boring as fuck or scary as shit, it would be hard, but possible. Thats what im trying to say. Its never impossible. Never too hard. Never ‘cant be done’. Unless youre thinking of u realistic stuff like jumping to the moon from sea level….but maybe a possibility in the future. If we live throufh this year :p yeah remember? We’re suppose to die this year. But we cant.
Wanna know why? Cause we’re suppose have a zombie apocolypse first. And then vampires and werewolves start coming out of the dark. Which poses this question. Would you fear a gay person or a sparkling vampire…? Nah I just read some very hurtful articles about homosexuals. I may not be one, but I feel offended. It aches my heart to read comments about homosexuality with such disgust. Sigh. God didnt give us the right to judge. Nor did he give us the right to decide whos going to hell. Just accept what they are, we have no right to discriminate them anyway.
I’ll talk about that another time.
So yeah. Nothings ever too hard. Take my word for it.
Age is a very high price for maturity. — Tom Stoppard
I’ve been thinking lately. About my life changing decision on being an engineer, for money’s sake or on being a nurse, for self satisfaction. I know it’s probably an easy choice when you base it on moral and text book knowledge. By text book knowledge I mean by books that attempt to teach lessons in life that claim to be correct.
But think about it. If I earn a lot of money, I would be satisfied. I would buy anything I want. I would be able to provide for my kids and maybe even my husband if I managed to wreck my life even more. I would be able to do so much more. But knowing my capabilities at the moment, I cant speak properly to other races(racist much?), I’m not as confident as I used to, I’m not as bubbly as I would like to be, etc. I dont think I am able to achieve a position in nursing where I would earn as much as an engineer.
But think about it. If I live a life full of satisfaction, there would be no need to wait for buying and providing. I can compromise. I can live in a small house/apartment, I can buy less things to fulfil my contentment. I dont need to drive my dream car, I dont need a lot of things. I want a lot of things, but I know what I need and what I dont need. I can be happy to go to work knowing that I will help someone, and make their lives in a depressing environment a comfortable one.
I don’t know. People tell me all the time that I’m more mature that what my age usually is. I know that. Only because I was practically forced to grow up to fit in my family. Being the youngest, and so far apart in age with the rest of them, I had to. And I’m thankful. Because I love them too much to have been the isolated one that couldn’t relate to them. I am truly thankful that I grew up faster.
However, did I really? Did I really grow up? There’s certain things in life that cannot be learnt through books and watching. From not being in the situation, there’s no data on emotion or reaction. You wouldn’t know what you were feeling or what you would do. So, I’ve read in comics, articles,… I’ve listened to advice, talks,… I’ve seen people make their choices. In the same position as I am now. The words said and read are basically the same but the choice made is never the same.
Words taught us to decide for what is right for our life, not based on anyone else. But that is never true. It never is. There’s always someone in our life that have an influence in our life. Might be a boyfriend, a future wanted child, our parents even, our dignity, our expected choice from society. Why is it that, since I’m so mature, I can’t even make this choice? Or even to buy a box of orange juice or a bottle of water?
So with alignment to my title, is it necessarily a good thing to have grown up so fast? I get annoyed easier that most people, I seem less than intelligent just because I am able to accept different point of views, I drink my whiskey on rocks and not with coke(makes me look like a real dick or like my taste buds are dead)…
There’s so many things I may have missed because I was so old mentally.
Stupid jokes and maybe even outings. Just because I don’t know why anyone would want to go to a theme park for three days.
It is none other thannnnnn… Tim! Your boyfriend is always your best friend. :D
Most of our ‘activities’ are randomly ‘planned’ so I won’t remember what we did, haha. And they are mainly about food. We see an offer, we go. We see something new, we go. We see weird stuff, we go!
Cant believe she used the F word…
I didn’t gain THAT much weight… Did I?
Despite me being all, “life’s shit”, “I dont want to live”, “I’m a failure in life” nonsense, i actually believe there is a lesson to be learnt here. I actually shouldn’t…Nay, I mustn’t despair. I make mistakes, I’m sure I’m allowed that aren’t I? All I need now is to buck up the next semester. Which I will.
My exam today was shit. Chemistry. I thought I would be alright but turns out I wasn’t all that prepared. And it is my fault. I overestimated my knowledge and took this top 50 uni in the world for granted for its talents. Tomorrow is math. I think I will be alright. No, I think i’m going to fail. But I will do my very best. And if i do, I will not slack an ounce for the next semester.
I swear that I will stop at nothing to get through this course now.
Im full of motivation as of now. But thats what everyone feels when they fuck up and exam. I will do it!
But i am still very clueless as of what i will do with my degree. Sigh. I will figure that out next time. But right now, my goal is to get past this course and graduate. After that i can do whatever i want. I just wished that, i wasnt my fathers daughter, or my mothers daughter. They expect greatness from all of their children and all i want to do is sit around and play music. Eat chips and watch random shows on discovery channel. Lose weight and be at my prime health. Very unimportant goals but thats all i want to do.
I think being a nurse would be very fetching for me. I love helping people and i can get paid for it. Idk. Maybe later on in life. Thats for fate to decide. Dad wouldnt be happy about it though. Hahahaha, well. Welcome to my doomsday. Calculus&linear algebra, my ass is yours.
My life has no purpose, no direction, no aim, no meaning, and yet I’m happy. I can’t figure it out. What am I doing right? — Charles M. Schulz
In my last post, I was talking about temporary highs. I got it from a song by Staccie Orrico, ‘More to Life’. I’m listening to it now even. Hahaha.
She says something about feeling empty and she’s missing something. I know she probably didn’t even write the damn song but hell, it says something doesn’t it? Better than ‘cannot be tamed’ or some bullshit. Bitch please, Miley Cyrus is getting married and she can’t be tamed? Fuck that.
But I believe that I am waiting for something to happen. What else can happen? I feel like my life is so pointless, I’m basically wasting space and oxygen. I’m killing everyone around me by just breathing. Such a sadist way of thinking but well, I feel so low. I am being deprived of something I should have. A drive.
Chemical & Biological Engineer. Wtf is that anyway? Am I suppose to be that? What am I suppose to do? Test out the chemical bonds of monkey piss? What? Tell me.
Sigh. I find myself releasing a breath when I walk, like a little sad doll not being played with anymore. I feel so unimportant and unneeded. I don’t need a boyfriend to keep me happy, fuck that. I walk with my head down nowadays, I think I’m starting to hunch even.
Damn it, Karen. Pull yourself the fuck together!
Lay off my back. I’m trying. I’m not depressed anymore, I don’t cry on random anymore. This is personal, this is my mind, this is what’s happening to me. Or what’s NOT happening to me to be exact. It doesn’t involve anyone else, it’s just me, not being able to want anything. I seem to want to go clubbing and drink more. I think I’ve mentioned this. I think that’s a bad sign. My sleeping pattern is fucked. I slept at 6am last night. And tonight, I don’t know. I have an exam tomorrow.
I smoke less, which is good. But I seem to want it more even. I feel so weak. I cant even control myself sometimes. I just, hate it. This lack of self control. Lack of desire. Sigh.
But I suppose this is, what the modern day young people feel. The lack of direction and passion. Maybe for games, something that isn’t real. The lucky ones get a job out of it, out of something they enjoy. But what if, the thing you enjoy, doesn’t keep you alive? What would it cost to live anyway?